Quotes

“Ahh, so that’s why they call the place Shin-Fuji”- Quipped Alex Patmore upon seeing Joe curled up in the foetal position after getting smacked in the shins by the ball while fielding.

“It was like a single profiterole”- Summarised Corey about Richie's short but sweet innings...

“The more it goes in and out, the harder it gets”- Says the skipper (apparently) referring to something cricket related after a wicket fell...

“I’m too old for this shit”- Complains Dino as he walks out to open the batting with his captain one more time...

“I’m in pieces”- Growns the TWCC President after a night on the turps...

“Sorry bro, running late. Had an issue with my chicken curry.”- Apologizes McTamney to his to teammates when explaining his tardiness...

“I’ve got a sore back from carrying you pricks”- Snaps the skipper after posting 69 not out...

“I am the king of Buddhism”- Proclaims Corey...

“I have 50 girls to choose from back home”- Pramod outlining his post-Japan plans in the bar after the game...

“Good morning Mr. Bum”- Was the message sent to the Wombats' LINE chat room by James Samarji on someone else's phone...

“The great thing about paedophile jokes is, they never grow old”- Debutant Oceans shares some of his favourite one-liners with the lads...

“This bat has a better pick-up than AJ”- Remarks Richie Bracefield...

“Did they call for the extra-wide sidescreen?”- Taunts Evan Hitchman at the now-larger (than before) Wommies legend Alex Koolhof...

“I actually prefer lads to girls…I mean, their company”- Ken, at the beer garden after the match, struggles to explain he prefers a bit of banter over beers with the lads rather than the company of the opposite sex...

“This whole boasting about your cricket abilities, even if you’re shit, is that a brown thing?”- Asks a puzzled Ev to Naren on the shink hurtling towards Fuji...

“Jamie is like a porn star the way he catches balls”- Types Gav in reference to the Club President’s adept catching skills...

“Fritzl?….Fantastic!”- Says Steve "Full-Mong" Palmer in a worrying sign of his admiration for serial rapist Josef Fritzl...

“A brown person getting skin cancer is like a virgin getting aids”- Blurts out Mili D, one of the borderline racist jokers in the team...

“Either my balls have grown big or this box is a smaller one”- Declares sexaholic AJ...

“I’m sure AJ wouldn’t mind giving Vik the clap”- Types Alex Patmore in the Wombats chatroom...

“He’s like Dino and Gav’s love child”- Says Patmore about new-player Mike, upon finding it hard to ignore the fact that Mike's eyes resemble Gavin Beath's and his personality that of Dino...

“He reads leg spin as well as I read kanji!”- Says Richie “Gary” Bracefield to Thurgate’s 18-year-old son...

“The Wombats gave you blue balls”- Quips Richie B to party-animal AJ...

“At least I’m not selfish like you, I give the others a go!”- Says first-gamer Steve, after scoring 0 (versus his captain’s 103)...

“You can come round for some pillaging but no raping”- Says Kooly to Patmore about his sayonara sale....

“Why are you cheering for the penis?”- Asks Nigel to Dino, after the latter gets very excited at the appearance of male genitalia in a video clip....

“Tin tin”- Says Kiwi Nigel to Kiwi Richie when asked for the shinkansen time....

“Too many cocks spoil the pussy”- Interjects Yusry during a discussion about the well-known proverb....

“That nickname is shit. It’ll never stick”- Says Mr. 140 (Yusry Mohideen)....

“Come on, Gargoyle”- Says Richie to Dino at the end of the drinks break, which was preceded by a somewhat immobile fielding effort on the boundary....

“What if the Qantas Koalas are all gay cabin attendants?”- Queries the captain of TWCC....

“And some old guy in the corner stole my porn”- Laments Evan about his time being immobilized in hospital....

“I’ve got a lot of shit in my rear”- Aamir talking about his car....

“That’d be a good job”- Says Kooly after hearing about the job description of a fluffer, which is to keep male 'talent' interested between takes....

“I was hired by a recruitment firm called JustLegal”- Explains Richie about his adventurous start to working life in Japan....

“Whats the fuss? It’s just girls walking around in their underwear”- Koolhof on the lack of Hooters’ appeal....

“You’re a lot like Sachin Tendulkar”- Himanshu to Koolhof. Answers on a postcard....

“Tekitoni? I thought it was ‘Take a Tony’, after an ex-Wombat or something”- A beauty from Ken Oiwa....

“I was sweating like a paedophile in a bouncy castle”- Says Richie when describing his flu last week....

“This should be an easy game”- Says Rony before the game starts. A game that TWCC loses. Time to ditch the crystal ball Rony....

“Now you just need a c***k in your mouth!”- Explains Gavin Beath with regard to...err, calisthenics....?

“You have a perfect face apart from that chipped tooth”- Says Alex K to Alex P during a discussion about girls staring at boys....

“Koolhof, you don’t have to shine the ball”- Says Vikram, a typical slow bowler trying to get through his overs in record time....

“Oh shit, I really don’t want to do salsa tomorrow”- Moans Yusry Mohideen....

“The wind blew me off”- Proclaims Nigel McKay as he attempts to explain how he was dismissed....

“Kelly Slater’s been in the news recently. Did he rape somebody?”- Inquires Koolie....

“Do you speak Hindu?”- Says Dino to Al, who kindly points out that it’s a religion....

“He’s like a Dalek! He can’t get off the straight!”- Comments Batmore on Tom "Stephen Hawkins" fielding efforts off his own bowling....

“Just put your dick in the bush”- Suggests Koolie, who'd rather not walk 20 metres to the toilet bloc....

“Bus stops on the highway are a good place to pick up blokes”- Says Alex K as the Wombats careen down the highway to Fuji....

“When you say you’re being borderline racist, you do realise you’re ACTUALLY being racist, right?”- Says Ken while driving the Wombats home from Fuji....

“I had five Danish girls”- Boasts Kenny-O about his recent get-away to the family holiday house....

“Yeah, but that’s cos Evan’s not a batsman”- Declares Alex Koolhof....

“I like it on my face, it feels good”- Professes Nigel McKay....

“We’re so vocal when we’re drunk”- Wombats captain Alex Patmore....

“You can’t leave Japan before the finals”- President Koolhof to Tom on the occasion of the first game for the season and Tom's first for the Wombats....

“I don’t like black guys (in pornos). I prefer (to watch) white men with tattoos”- Alex Koolhof after being asked what kind of pornographic videos he likes....

“I’M THE CUSTOMER!!”- Says Captain Gav, when told he couldn't store his cricket bag in the Hub....

“It feels so smooth when I pull it out”- The prez talks about his err, new leather wallet....

“I chose the Wombats because it looked more interesting than anything else I could find on the internet”- Says Milinda about how he decided on joining the Wombats....

“It’s only a friendly dickhead”- Says Nick to the opposing bowler following a dangerously wayward delivery....

“Catch of the week — salmonella”- Phil Walker questions Burkey's choice of late night food in Chiang Mai....

“Smack it like it’s your missus”- Mick Lay reacts to a brutal pull shot by batsman Luke Eyes....

“Yeah, I can’t play tomorrow, I didn’t notice that I can’t play for two teams”- Rony Parvej laments on Facebook after playing for British Embassy and making himself ineligible for TWCC in the Japan Cup...

“STOP THE BUS! STOP THE BUS!”- Yells Nick after the Wombats van drives past two hitchhiking ladies....

“You can have my sausage”- Declares Milinda Dharmadasa after watching a lovely gay dab played by gay dab expert Jarrad Shearer....

“No one wants to be captain of this team, not even me!”- Proclaims Wombat skipper Gavin Beath....

“Nigel’s got a peach of a bum!”- Some Wombat brotherly love from Alex Patmore....

“Jimmi, you’re on 99 mate”- The Wombats' Skipper Gavin Beath jinxes one of his batsmen....

“Did someone say panties?”- Says a Wombat mishearing "looks like Gav's panting"....

“You didn’t make any friends there”- Says YCAC captain Anton to Yusry after the big Sri Lankan wins a dodgy LBW decision....

“Alcohol increases inflammation”- Says Nigel when asked why he held no beer in hand after pulling a hamstring in the game....

“This applies to all spastics in the team”- Instructs captain Gavin Beath to all Wombats with respect to team kit rules....

“I’m going to go home and sleep with my wife”- Declares Tetsuya when queried by Zulu about what he intends to do on his day off....

“Pressure builds pressure!”- Chirps new Wombat keeper-batsman Alex Patmore from behind the stumps....

“The JCA is sending all their money to Myanmar as well!”- Cries Luke Ray after discovering the Sano 3 pitch has no crease lines....

“Top bollox!”- Texts Malcolm Allinson to the Wombats upon news of a victory....

“You wanna talk to them? I can take you over to them.”- Proclaims Andrew Baines to fellow Wombats as he prepares to chat to random ladies....

“It’s not gunna happen”- Kyal Hill in the station cubicle before missing the train....

“Is this rope out here the boundary?”- Queries Matt Stride when fielding on the boundary....

“I haven’t dropped a catch in two years!”- Says Al Koolhof two balls before putting down eventual match-winner Ogawa on naught...

“A lot of great Wombats have worn this shirt, and a lot of ordinary ones too.”- Captain GT presents 2010 Wombat debutants with their new shirts....

“The Wombats need more gays.”- Shizuoka Kytes' skipper Neil Harrison reflects on the Wombat team balance.....

“Shut up you idiots!”- Courtney Jones kindly requests his fielding opponents to refrain from over-appealing.

“I had the Kathmandu Delhi!”- Big Al describes how travelling affected his bowels.....

“WAIT! NO!….Sorry, I meant yes!”- Batsman C Jones was half-way there when he clarified his call. Both batsmen made it safely.

“It’s not rocket surgery!”- Jarrad Shearer utters a colourful, mixed metaphor.....

“I wish I could just bat all day so I wouldn’t have to f****ng field…..”- Courtney Jones states his true feelings for the game of cricket.....

“Nah, I’m just going to use it to wipe my arse….”- Replies Gavin "Jesse Ryder" Beath when asked if he needs more TP as he strides to the port-a-loos....

“It cant be Father’s day – Father’s Day is in September.”- Says Al Koolhof on the 6th of September....

“You’re a disgrace to humanity!”- Says a passer-by to the Wombats stumbling from the van in Harajuku.....

“No, I like ACDC. I just don’t like Bon Scott.”- TWCC President Jarrad Shearer making known his fickle musical tastes....

“Spent most the day in front of the mirror, in me new Skins, yeah……”- Coach Morty

“That ball conceived me.”- A confused Kytes' Todd Phillips returns to the pavillion

“Watching me have sex is like watching Hendrix play the guitar….”- Mark 'Pup' Ainslie boasts about his backstage performance abilities.

“You wouldn’t have thought so after today’s effort.”- Reggie was surprised his CM6s team-mate Ravindra Pushpakamara played his 23 Tests as a bowler, not a batsman!

“I thought it was 4….”- Reggie's twisted logic for running a suicidal third!!

“Get down, down on the ground!”- Al Koolhof's new Tourette's Syndrome style wicket celebration.

“Its not fair!”- Big Ghey Al on the merits of the Wommies winning the KRAC Challenge after playing only 1 game.

“We all get into taxis and go to specific destinations”- Replies Zulu, when asked for concrete plans for the night.....

“You must have some money Curly….You’re not spending it on clothes.”- Armani Man Courtney Jones offers fashion and financial advice.

“Since I’ve been living in Tokyo, I’ve spent 20% of my time thinking about work, 20% thinking about sex, and the other 60% thinking about the Wombats.”- Christopher Mortimer reflects on his time spent in Tokyo with the Wombats.....

“There’s the thing for the thingo…..”- Jarrad Shearer navigates us skillfully towards Gunma.....

“Are you training for the javelin?”- Chiang Mai Sixes MC Rick getting stuck into the Prez, Jarrad Shearer, following some bat throwing antics after being dismissed. Seems he has been in training for a few years now...

“I am soooo dexterous…..with my digits”- Alex 'The Body' Koolhof explaining some of his special talents

“A monument to the human struggle”- Luke 'Rayos' Ray descibing Killer's incredible effort of sleeping whilst standing up at Paddy Foleys, during the latter stages of the World Cup final. Anyone else who witnessed this would agree!!

“That was a $500 mistake”- Mark 'Killer' Kelly rues his decision to refuse to get into a taxi with fellow Wombats in Osaka at 6am. Hindsight is a wonderful thing after you've passed out in a gutter and been robbed.

“Is this legal??”- A bemused Jaideep "Bish" Bedi exclaimed as the wombats piled out of the van for the customary toilet break on the Tomei expressway.

“I’d rather bat with your wife than you”- Skipper "Chuck" Jones doesn't beat around the bush in telling President Jarrad Shearer how he much he enjoys batting with him.

“DONT…..PLAY…..CRICKET…..DRUNK!”- Gavin pays out on his Roppongi drinking mate, Kyal, after he all but wrapped up the 2007 Herschelle award.

“Here comes the buffet.”- YCAC's Paul sizes up Pup's first over. Pup finished with 6fa.

“So, are these guys in Division 1??”- Ryan "Rhino" France's question to a fellow Wombat during the Division 1 (J1C) match against Fuji Far East. Ummm....yes, Rhino, they are.

“Water is generally flat”- Mark "Killer" Kelly explaining eyesight.....or tsunami's....or possibly both.

“It was like an elephant eating a bag of straw”- Chuck Jones describing the sight of Jarrad drying his nether region after the semi final win.

“Is it hot out there Dino??”- Enquired Rob "Axe" Mann from the comfort and shade of the tent as a visibly heat-affected Dinosaur returned to the pavillion.

“OI WOMBATS……..Let’s Rock and Rolllllll!!”- Morty (The Monster), shortly before passing out.

“Hardys’ KRAC Challenge – Runners Up”- Rob 'Axe' Mann puts a positive spin on us losing a two-horse race!

“He (Shane Warne) may be the bowler but she’s hitting his balls for six.”- writes a newspaper reporter in reference to the Warne's pending divorce....ouch!!

“Would someone please direct me to the Men’s toilets since I’m so ‘toasted’ right now I don’t think I can find them”- Our always effervescent captain, Chuck Jones, was heard to say as he was debating whether he should head into the Women's toilets at the highway toilet stop

“So one guy doesn’t bowl??”- Luke Ray getting a grip on the Sixes rules...that'd be the keeper mate!!

“Well I made more runs than you today!”- Spacey's straight-to-the-point reply to Dino after the Prez expressed his delight at having Spacey as his front seat passenger for the return trip to Tokyo

“Sin-Koiwa….where’s that??”- asked Zulu....you'd better ask Axe (might be somewhere near Koiwa)

“Actually, he gets Anal more than I do.”- Mark 'Pup' Ainslie claims he was talking about family nicknames....

“Axey, we’re in the Pong….is there anywhere still open??”- came the call from'Zulu' at 6:45am on Saturday morning (we were due to meet at 7:30am at Harajuku Station for the van trip to Shizuoka).

“Dino, I think we need to have a serious talk about the direction of this club. We drink WAAAAY too much piss…”- were the honest words of ' Captain Chuck Jones' to President Dino somewhere on the streets of Osaka around 4:30am.

“I didn’t shit my pants in the van, I shat my pants in the toilet.”- Dino explains the bowel troubles he suffered during the trip to Fuji. You gotta watch what you say Prez, someone is always listening!

“Hey, check out the moon!”- exclaimed Regan 'Reggie' Dawson after a tough game against Gunma. The only problem was that Reggie was pointing to the sun as the Wombats' watched a magnificent sunset at Gunma!

“That’s coz we eat, shit and leave!!”- announced Zulu when asked why we are called the Wombats. Almost right Zu.

“GET THAT UP YAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!”- roared the Dinosaur, Jarrad Shearer, to the Wombats pavillion after hitting the winning runs in the semi final. And it wasn't the last time the boys'd hear it that day.

“The hardest thing about the climb is that it’s all uphill”- exclaimed Mark 'Killer' Kelly, during a group discussion about climbing Mt Fuji...

“Have you ever made a good decision without a beer in your hand?”- Zulu's way of saying he needed a beer before he'd be able to decide where we should go next during his (and Gez's) farewell party.

“We were just going to go to bed.”- Zulu, whose plans clearly differed from the other wombats, about his first night in Chiang Mai

“That’s the ‘ONLY’ way to take it!!”- was Jarrad Shearer's response to a Wombat's question upon exiting the team bus.

“How’s he going to hit the winning runs if they need 5??”- said Jarrad "It's not Rocket Science" Shearer to teammates as the Wombats closed in on victory

“It’s called nipple confusion”- said Steve Burke to a couple of fellow Wombats. No, it wasn't in reference to Thailand, rather an explanation of one of the problems that can be experienced during parenthood.

“Jason Gillespie? Oh, come on, he’s not world class”- Just another Pom deluding himself, at The Dubliners. And apparently that wasn't all that was said. Bring on The Ashes!!

“I’m tired of batting at #11!”- Proclaimed Jim 'Spacey' Cole in a warning to Kanto's bowlers.

“Luke….on the pigeon”- Captain Chuck Jones directing fielders at Shizuoka. Unfortunately for Rayos, the bloody pigeon wouldn't stay still!!

“Well bowled Burkey!!”- Ian Gason yelled in a moment of confusion whilst scoring. His teammate Burkey was actually batting at the time.

7…8…9…) ” Ten!”- Reggie (Regan Dawson) struggles with the Wombats club song during a special Tomei highway rendition. (It's "7...8...9.....we'll do 'em everytime," bro')

“…15 hours an over…”- Anton McCloy discusses slow over rates at the umpire's seminar. Now that is bloody slow!!

“WHERE’S MY POOFTA’S??!!!”- Wombats president Jarrad Shearer demanded during the post-game dinner

“What’s she after? Money?”- Richard 'Chunky' Cosway. The poor old Oba-san just wanted to borrow a pen!

“I JUST WIPED ALL THIS STUFF FROM MY BUMHOLE…”- exclaimed a 'one-handed', non-playing Wombats skipper (a.k.a. Chuck Jones) after a nasty altercation with a rogue Aussie snag.

“It seems strange being on train sober with you blokes “- said Luke Ray as a group of Wombats returned home after a training session. And he was dead-right, it did feel strange!!

“Wombats are essentially a three-batsmen team; once two of them are taken care of, the rest will crumble.”- Engineers' serial sledger Biju Paul lets fly

“Shit, I won’t be wearing Jarrad’s box, will I??”- Exclaimed a concerned Neil Harrison (Shizuoka) when asked to fill in as 'keeper for the Wombats friendly against the Engineers

“To love Glenn McGrath as much as I do is very concerning even to me”- Declared 'The Chef', John Sutherland (Don't worry Chef, you're not alone!)

“I hate bowling. It’s a shit sport!”- said a frustrated Jim 'Spacey' Cole after copping some stick from the YCAC batsmen

“The Aussies are gonna win and you can quote me on that!”- declared Jim 'Spacey' Cole during the final day of the 2nd Test. Moments later, the final wicket fell

“When I came off, I actually asked the boys what it’s like to get out in this series”- said a cheeky Glenn McGrath after his match saving effort and a fourth not out in four hits this series

“Alright boys. For the first time in Wombats history: Club bash!”- said Captain Chuck as Wombats piled onto a helpless Spacey at training for deliberately dropping catch number 15 in the countdown to 20 and the end of training

“WALK? That edge was thicker than Spacey!”- Smoking Pete's commentary on Boycott's commentary

“You have a lovely hairstyle Shaxie”- commented Wombats' skipper Chuck Jones as he revealed his feminine side inside the Wombats Van

“How long have we got here? Might try to grab a quick one in the loos!”- was the call from Tim Whisker to fellow Wombats after 'catching an opportunity' on Dino's Buck's night

“Chuck, are we going to get a room together??”- asked Zulu revealing his true feelings for the Wombats skipper

“That’s it, I’m off it I reckon…”- Smoking Pete was heard to say (in reference to alcohol) the day after Jarrad's wedding

“My New Year’s resolution is to write in this column more often as I only wrote one rant all year last year.”- wrote the President Jarrad Shearer in his first rant for the year early in 2005. Well, you are currently equal with last year Dino!

“I can’t even take care of a bloody stubby holder.”- were the honest words of Zulu as he explained to fellow Wombats just how far away he was from being responsible enough to enter parenthood.

“There’s 14 other players here and I can’t find anyone to have a beer with.”- Unnamed Australian Test player on the need for special bonding periods for players only, now that wives and children are allowed on tour. Sounds like Shane to us...would never happen in the Wombats.

“Scorer’s name??….. SCORER’S NAME???!!!”- Rob 'Axe' Mann yelled out whilst scoring for a Wombats game in 2004. We think he meant bowler's name (Wombats Quote of the Year - 2004).