Welcome to the Show, the Patmore Show

by Achal Gurnani

It was that time again, to be up and about, bright and early on a Saturday morning. The wombat is an amazing creature, with the Tokyo Wombat being the finest specimen of them all. Some Tokyo Wombats decide to get a good night’s rest and be fresh for the game, while others decided they would stay up all night gaming, too afraid to miss the early train. And then there are the special ones. The special ones who, even in the wee hours of the morning, find the time to rub one out. Even in the confines of an internet cafe shower. What a way to start the day.

The rest of the pre-match was very routine with a long-ass journey to the middle of butt-f**k nowhere. Many a Wombat on the train mentioned how they would like to change things around and bowl if they would win the toss. Patmore decided to do just that, winning the toss and putting the Sharks in to bat. AJ & Vig started out with a great display of some fine bowling. Who needs the white ball to swing when you can hit the right areas and get the batsmen to go fishing. AJ dropping a relatively easy lofted caught & bowled chance in the first over.

At the other end, Vig piled on the pressure and picked up two back to back wickets, the first caught off a bouncer by Richie in the slips and the second a plumb LBW as Patmore & Vig lured the batsmen into thinking another bouncer was coming. AJ would make amends for that dropped catch as he held on to a slightly tougher caught and bowled chance. Sharks 35/3.

After a strong opening spell of 10 overs, Deano and new boy Henry (a.k.a Joffrey Baratheon, a.k.a Hen (apparently has some meaning in Japanese), a.k.a Jamie Lannister) were brought on. Deano kept things tight and picked up a couple wickets: bowling their captain and trapping the diva of a keeper LBW. A decision the diva was unhappy with as he proceeded to take a lap around the ground looking for his mommy to go complain to.

At the other end, Henry was finding that the luck just wasn’t going his way as he had his first ball glanced down to fine leg where AJ did a stellar job of getting there, only to stumble and swim on the grass while watching the ball roll over the ropes for four. This fine display of athleticism led to Patmore to proclaim ‘Ah f**k!’

Jamie Lannister & Leonidas I kept bowling the good areas and kept the runs largely in control. Dan Mee and Achal rolled their arm over and picked up a wicket each, with Luke taking a skier at deep square off Achal. Among the generally solid fielding there was the odd catch dropped in the outfield by Richie off Achal after having taken two catches already, and a rare missed Patmore stumping off Deano.

Joffrey Baratheon came back on from the other end for his 2nd spell and saw his misfortune continue as edges were flying about and missing the stump and hands. He decided to join the Sharks and throw a tantrum to the umpire complaining about how it was unfair and about things not going his way. Shortly after, he would end up bowling a perfect yorker to get his first wicket for the Wombats.

Sharks’ #9 swung his bat on his way to a 50 which included an attempted and failed ramp shot, which he repeated and succeeded in getting away for four in the last over. With Vig’s 2nd spell being cut short due to the massive swingfest from the #9. Sharks ended with a very gettable 206/9 off their 40 overs.

A short break later, the familiar and formidable opening pair of Patmore & Bracefield took to the pitch to get the chase underway. Richie looked in good form again, smashing two boundaries before managing to york himself off the whiney little Shark spinner. Dan Mee joined Patmore as the two put up a solid partnership, slowly but surely guiding the Wombats towards that total. With drinks approaching, Mee was out off a shocker of an LBW decision.

Deano walked in and put his head down playing out the dots and putting in the singles & twos. He’d made the rookie move of not drinking enough fluids and not eating anything and soon the Sano sun was too much for him as he needed to have a bit of a sit down prompting an early 2nd drinks. Shortly after, he looked to be fine and getting back into the groove before he edged one to the Diva Keeper. Luke Eyes and his new bat, looking for runs in the JCL, made a brief stop over with his walk to and from the pitch being longer than the 2 balls he faced for his 4th duck of the JCL season, earning him the nickname Audi. Hopefully he’ll get off the mark in the next game and avoid being called Olympic Man.

During one of the drinks breaks, the shark spinner decided to take on the Wombats in the tent, coming close to getting smacked around by Achal & Deano as they let the baby shark off with a talking to.

While the wickets were falling, Patmore looked solid as ever, and ensured the Wombats were always in control of the game. Playing some glorious cut shots, sweeps, cover drives to different parts of the boundaries. A treat for all to watch. During his innings, Patmore gloved one to the keeper who along with the bowler were unhappy about Patmore not walking and the umpire not giving the decision in their favor. Patmore would go on to make that chance count as he masterbatted his way to a glorious 100. Would his pre-match activities have anything to do with that? One blemish in the innings was when Patmore decided to get cheeky on a free hit and proceeded to get freely hit in the thigh leaving him a mark to savor.

Patmore particularly took a liking to one of the under 19 prospects whose father had to be content with watching his young one get smacked all over the park. This exchange prompted a few quips from the Wombats tent including, “He is not nearly quick enough to bowl shit like that”. When the young’un was brought back for his second spell, Apporv, apparently unaware of the father sitting around watching his son, quipped, “why are they giving the ball back to him? Not the brightest lad on the field”. Achal, explaining the situation to Apporv in Hindi only to watch Apporv stumble in trying to salvage the situation.

Fitting that Patmore would hit the winning runs as the Wombats slowly but surely racked up their first win of the game. Wombats roared in the victory song in front of the Shark contingent, some of whom were not gracious in defeat, refusing to applaud the umpires and deserved Wyndham Estate Man of the Match – Alex Patmore.

Wommies made their way to an izakaya where a slurring, barely awake, falling over Apoorv decided he would challenge Richie to a drink off. As Richie describes it, “Apporv later mumbled that if he hadn’t drunk two 9% chuhis beforehand, Richie would be at his mercy. No longer able to communicate (the lads thought he was speaking Hindi!), he swiftly fell asleep at the izakaya table. He looked as f**ked as a salaryman on a premium Friday on the trains too. Back in Tokyo, he fell asleep, again – on the yamanote, only to be roused by the station staff in Shinagawa. Dazed, confused, and alone, he slurred his way into a taxi home (shibuya). Thong!!!

This wouldn’t be the Patmore show if I couldn’t mention his stellar showing off the field, on the tracks, in particular. With many a beer consumed, the remaining booze from the train journey from the ground was brought out. Patmore indulged himself in one (maybe half) a 9% chuhi and decided he needed a piss. All normal proceedings. Until, he decided the best way for him to make his way back to the lads would be for him to crawl on his back like a retarded turtle. He wouldn’t be done there as he attempted to wake Apporv by berating him 2 inches from his face, arguing with a group of older ladies who weren’t too happy with his antics, and attempting to dry hump Deano who was as cool as a cucumber. It was in that moment that Joffrey Baratheon, unable to believe his eyes at what was going on, realized he had found the right club. The write up doesn’t do justice to the post game show, so make your way to the videos & pictures to get a first hand look.

Shoutout to Apporv for keeping score during the entire Wombat innings. A total club man!

TLDR: Wombats got their first win of the season by defeating the cranky Sharks thanks to a glorious captain’s knock by Patmore racking up the Wombats’ first 100 of the season. Post-match festivities were almost as glorious as the match itself with Apoorv and Patmore providing top entertainment value. Check out the videos & photos if you haven’t already.

Catches

• AJ’s jumping backward effort, made it hard for himself too.
• Luke ‘safe as houses’ Eyes taking a high ball out in the deep for Achal’s first wicket.
• Two crucial catches in slip by Richie.

Dropped Catches

• AJ’s two dropped off of his own bowling, one an absolute sitter.
• Usually safe-hands Richie dropped one in the deep at long on.

Quotes

• Apoorv to Richie: “Im not backing down, im gonna smash you in the drinking contest”. Said whilst he was pretty much dead.
• “Why are they giving the ball back to him? Not the brightest lad on the field” – says Apoorv in absolute disbelief over Chiba’s decision to give the ball back to Max right in front of Max’s dad.
• Again, in relation to the above scenario: “This bloke is way to slow to bowl shit like that!” – unknown Wombat.

Great Moments in Sport

• The 6 bowlers on the day who only bowled 14 wides between them. Surely a Wombats record?!
• Patmore’s ton.
• Harry’s debut bowling performance.
• Apoorv scoring for the entire Wombats innings. Great stuff.

Dummy Spits

• Chiba’s little bitch contingent in general.
• Patmore with an audible “Ah f**k!” at AJ who dived to save a boundary but only managed to help the ball over the rope (off Henry’s 1st ball for the Wombats).

Golden Thong Nominations

• Apoorv – Challenging Richie to go drink for drink when he was clearly already well on his way. He later mumbled that if he hadn’t drunk two 9% chuhis beforehand, Richie would be at his mercy. No longer able to communicate (the lads thought he was speaking Hindi!), he swiftly fell asleep at the izakaya table. He looked as f**ked as a salaryman on a premium Friday on the trains too (even Patmore doing the backstroke on the floor of the packed train didn’t rouse Apoorv, see the videos). Back in Tokyo, he fell asleep, again – on the yamanote, only to be roused by the station staff in Shinagawa. Dazed, confused, and alone, he slurred his way into a taxi home (shibuya). Thong.